Suicide Attempt Ends in Dew Time

Kichae Chandramani
Jafo Entertainment & News, Inc.
 

OKOTULIN - Police were called to a small residence in the city of Mesmer early this morning after a neighbor reported what they believed to be a violent domestic dispute between occupants, according to Lt. Hugh Arugh with the Okotulin Planetary Police Force. Upon arriving at the apartment, however, the police officers discovered that the occupant was alone.

"The responding officers radioed back that the reporter was mistaken," said Lt. Arugh, "but failed to return to their patrol."

"Something just didn't feel right," said Constable Miranda Wright. "I don't know if it was the tangled mop of hair on his head, the cold and distant glint in his eyes, or the smoking automatic plasma rifle he tried to hide behind his back, but I just wasn't comfortable leaving the vicinity."

The officers returned just minutes later, after hearing what was described as panicked shouting from a neighbouring suite.

"I was just lying in bed watching holovision when I heard a noise coming from Mani's place," Cyrus Coh, the source of the uproar, said. "The next thing I know, there's a giant smoking hole in my wall, the cops are storming my pad, and I'm running around with my ferengi flapping freely in the breeze."

The hole in Mr. Coh's bedroom wall was caused by a plasma discharge from a rifle owned by his neighbour, Mani Yach, a 32 year old psych patient with a previous run-in with the law.

"That was us! Like ten minutes ago," quipped an understandably stressed Cnst. Wright, while desperately trying to avoid looking at Mr. Coh.

Mr. Yach reportedly denied responsibility for the gun fire, saying he was as shocked by it as anyone.

Things got much more indecent for Cnst. Wright and her partner, Cnst. Rem'Ayan Psylant, after questioning. While they were trying, unsuccessfully, to convince Mr. Coh to put on some pants, Mr. Yach grabbed his rifle and pointed it under his own chin.

According to Cnst. Wright, "It was surreal. His voice got all rough and nasally, and he started speaking with a Generian accent."

"He told us to drop our weapons, and threatened to ‘do it, right here, right now'," added Cnst. Psylant. "Then he shrieked ‘help me, I don't want to die'. If he didn't seem so serious, I would have thought he was joking."

"He was probably deadly serious," said a stern and somber Dr. Jeffry Looney, Mani Yach's psychiatrist.

According to Dr. Looney, Mani Yach suffers from dissociative identity disorder, popularly known as Accountability Sharing or Little Brother Syndrome, due to the tendency of some to wake up to strange or awkward situations which they ultimately blame on their smaller siblings.

"Mani is an Account Sharer," explained Dr. Looney. "The personality we know as Mani Yach - the shy, mild mannered, reclusive personal ad addict who enjoys candlelight dinners, walks on the beach, and experienced women with great personalities - is in fact one of no fewer than four that share his body."

Other personalities include a teenage girl named Annie, a retired waste processing planet supervisor named Danny, and a suicidal gangster from Atma named Lanny.

"Lanny's had a rough go of it," Dr. Looney said. "Once known as the Genius of the Generian Mob - or so he says - a bank heist gone bad has left him a wanted, and broken, man without a friend in the world."

"I believe he represents the part of Mani that wants to sleep with his grandfather while simultaneously being clubbed over the head by a naked spaceball player," continued Dr. Looney. "It's known as the brAxis Complex."

In his counseling sessions, Dr. Looney has observed that ‘Lanny' has grown ever more desperate, and clichéd, claiming such things as ‘they've taken my dreams and torn them apart,' ‘I feel out of place in this world', and ‘nobody understands me'.

"He's even been caught singing along to Simple Plan song," Dr. Looney added.

This revelation turned Lanny's suicide threat into a hostage situation of sorts.

"It became clear that something was terribly wrong," said Cnst. Psylant. "We radioed in for a specialist."

"We sent in a suicide negotiator as soon as we got word," said Lt. Arugh. "Well, ok, not immediately or anything, but we got around to it sometime after break."

Intense negotiations did eventually convince Lanny to put down the gun, and the crisis was averted.

"I tried many different approaches," says crisis negotiator, robot rights activist, and part-time school cafeteria worker Doris Pumpernickel.  "Everything from negotiation, to reverse psychology, to threatening severe beatings."

"Eventually all it took was a few Astro-Twinkies and a mug of Methone Dew," Pumpernickel added.

Once the situation had been diffused, Yach was escourted to the R. P. McMurphy Mental Health Clinic where he was released without evaluation and given a complimentary ammo voucher for his troubles.

R. P. McMurphy has not returned requests for comment as of press time.

 

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