Scientists Peer Into Black Hole
Find the Unexpected
Kichae Chandramani
Jafo Entertainment & News, Inc.
Ionis - Astrophysicists studying some of the oldest, oddest, and heaviest objects in the galaxy - stellar corpses such as white dwarfs, pulsars, and black holes - are reporting huge breakthroughs this afternoon.
Bing Crank, Ph.D , professor and lead researcher at the Horton Obolary Academy of Xenoastrophysics, claims his team, which operates the Full Acceleration Kinematic Explorer Probe, has done what has long been thought impossible: Peered into the very heart of a black hole.
"For the first time ever," says Dr. Crank, "we have evidence of what lies beneath the event horizon. It's not completely conclusive, mind you, but it has allowed us to narrow our options down greatly."
"To get the data, we had to perform some very complex maneuvers," says Dr. Ray Vingmad, primary research assistant on the project. "Real threading the eye of the needle kind of stuff. We equipped the probe with a micro-burst warp drive, allowing us to pull it back from beyond the point of no return just before it buckled under the strain of the extreme tides associated with black holes. We then beamed the information to an exploration vessel nearby for analysis."
The goal of the project was to settle a long standing bet between physicists. It is a belief long held by many scientists that the centre of a black hole contains either a 0-dimensional entity, known as a singularity, or a 5-dimensional one called a membrane. The debate between these two groups was fierce, and lasted many generations.
Finally, in 10,743, or so say the legends, a fellow with the Association of Super Scientists named Constance Noring put his money where his mouth was. In the middle of an intense session of Parcheesi against members of the Breathtaking Alliance of Large Lusty Scientists, Noring offered up a lifetime subscription of Star Hustler magazine to the Breathtaking Alliance if black holes were found to contain a singularity. On the other hand, if scientists were to discover a membrane hidden behind the event horizons, the Super Scientists would immediately start receiving monthly installments of Playdroid.
So, which dirty old perverts have been validated? What did Dr. Crank's team find in the centre of the black hole?
"Jelly," says Dr. Vingmad.
"Or jam, or maybe even marmalade. Our experiment wasn't really able to tell which. We definitely saw some graininess, though, so it's probably strawberry or raspberry."
"We also think there may be custard buried under the crispy outer shell of white dwarf stars," adds Dr. Crank. "Work has already begun on our next project, the Entirely Concealed Largely Astrophysical Innards Reconnaissance Probe, which will help us validate this hypothesis."
As for the now troubled future of the pornographic, neither the Breathtaking Alliance nor the Super Scientists were available for comment by press time.
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