Racer Sues Over Race Results

Phoebe Balcombe
JENI Sports

Indianaplanet - Physicists the galaxy over are being handed subpoenas today to appear before the Indianaplanet Superior Court, as part of a lawsuit filed against the natural sciences.

Space racer Valerie O'Sity claims, in O'Sity v. The Laws of the Universe, that physicists are to blame for her recent loss at the Indianaplanet 500,000,000,000,000.

According to Thomas Sullivan Luger, a private investigator hired by O'Sity and her legal team, the Indy 500E12 winner's odometer registered a considerably lower distance travelled than did O'Sity's.

"I don't want to say, specifically, that (12050 Indianaplanet Champion) Francine Aster cheated, but I do find the odometer readings suspicious," says Luger. "Even though the holovideo of the race shows that Aster never left the approved route and observers claim that she hit every checkpoint, a travesty of justice has taken place."

So, if Aster didn't take any illegal short cuts, how did she save off the extra miles? That's where the physicists come into things, says O'Sity's attorney.

"The theory of special relativity is what caused all of this," exclaims Antoon Lorentz, Valerie O'Sity's lawyer. "My client lost due to length contraction, an effect that wouldn't exist without relativity."

Relativity is an odd beast. According to the theory, as objects travel faster and faster, approaching the speed of light, they shrink. It's almost as if the act of moving itself causes the object to be squeezed down in the direction of travel. Strangely enough, though, the moving object sees just the opposite. Instead of itself shrinking, everything else does, race tracks included.

"It's this kind of backward thinking that ruins it for everybody," says O'Sity. "How is that fair? The faster you go, the shorter the race track is?"

"I tell ya, the rich get richer."

The lawsuit names science, particularly physics, and specifically practitioners of physics, as defendants (since, as Mr. Lorentz is keen to point out, it would be hard to get a cash settlement from an esoteric concept), and seeks 67 million UC as recompense for the Indy 500E12 prize purse, 3 million UC for race ship repairs, 1500 UC for a replica championship trophy, and 234,574,226,798,642,157,887,321,246,87,653,212,357,865,454.59 in punitive damage. Science is attempting to have the lawsuit thrown out as frivolous.

 

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