Midgets: Not Just for Furniture Anymore

Kichae Chandramani

Jafo Entertainment & News, Inc.

Everyone has seen them. Most people even have one or two of them lying around the house. Midgets, or "little people" to the politically correct crowd, have become a staple of life in most core world households. But are you getting the best use out of your mini-me?

Most people today see midgets as simple room accents, living door stops, or even cheap alternatives to robotic beer fetchers, but according to experts they can be so much more.

"We have dreams and goals in life, too." says Justin Little, spokesperson for the Organization Of Miniature Persons Hopefully Attaining Livelihoods Outside Of Professions Humiliating to Anybody. "We may be small of stature, but that doesn't mean we don't deserve to be treated like human beings!"

Justin Little makes a valid point: Little people are small. I mean, some of them are downright tiny. Using them as end tables just seems awfully wasteful in light of this fact. Think of all of the places little hands, or even little bodies, could come in handy! They'd be perfect for cleaning out manoeuvring thruster vents, anti-matter fuel lines, Jefferies tubes, and even getting into the tight little corners of the warp drive reactor. They require less maintenance than droids, are cheaper to obtain than quantum mechanical nanobots, and take up less space than real people.

It's genius I tell you. Genius!

Not everyone agrees, however.

"Little people are just that: People," says Dr. Jennifer Smalls, herself a tiny totter. "We're not objects, and we're certainly not slaves. You can't own someone simply because they're different from you."

"We have rights, too, you know."

Whatever objections the bleeding hearts may have, though, do precious little to change the fact that you can save approximately 76 UC per annum on anti-matter reactor maintenance, and an additional 29 UC yearly on fusion core upkeep, by keeping ten or twenty midgets.

Good quality munchkins should last you for at least five years before needing to be replaced. Just make sure they're well fed, with lots of high fibre gruels, fresh water, and full spectrum multi-vitamins (cheap, generic Wal-Mars knock offs will do just fine), and you should get many good shifts out of your little service crew.

So get out there, and take your midgets with you. They can be a lot more than simple living statuettes, if you only let them.

 

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