Holowood's Lacklustre Tales
Holowood - As movie goers flock to the theatres this weekend to check out all of the new releases, critics continue to bloody their foreheads on their desks, walls, and any solid surface that happens to find itself within their personal space.
The stimulus behind their autocranialbludgeoning? Why, this week's new releases, of course. Once again, industry fat cats and Holowood nepotism has managed to bring holofilm reviewers not to the edge of their seats, but to the edge of their windowsills.
Stuff Happens: I Really Mean It This Time
Mmkay Schlongislong's latest suspense thriller centres on Erasmus, a young child who lives in a hidden 119th century retro city hidden in a swamp on the dark side of the fifth moon of Balaban. Erasmus has the unique ability to see dead monstrous plant-based aliens who are attempting to counter-terraform the moon for their own insidious purposes (I can safely say, without giving too much away, that their plans involve a shocking plot twist). In the end, Erasmus is left to re-populate the human race all by himself, a task he somehow manages to succeed at. What Schlongislong fails to succeed at is making a logical, or compelling tale, for the 76th attempt in a row.
1,000 G.O.
1,000 G.O. is the story of an ancient human on Geodesia who, after his tribe of mouth breathers is attacked and slaughtered, travels the world in search of his One True LoveTM who was kidnapped the mysterious raiders with a set of conveniently detachable "magic legs", better known as "farm animals" in the modern tongue. After two days travel by foot, our hero has somehow left his snowy village in the mountains, caught up to the fleeing horsemen, and arrived in Genera circa 8,000 G.O. Once there (and then?) he manages to smite the bad guys, save his arm candy, and repopulate his village.
Space Racer
Based on the 12020s Centurian children's show of the same name, Space Racer is a live-action cartoon speed demon that will leave your gall bladder somewhere in orbit around Krigolt. The 3D holoanimation is top notch, and the special effects are mind boggling. All of this is good, because the plot and dialogue all sound like they were written by a dying, suffocating babble fish with a brain tumour. The main character, smartly named Space Racer, is the youngest member of the famous Racer family. We follow Space around as he tries to make his mother, Tracy Racer, and father, Pince'l Lee Racer, proud, all while trying to survive attacks by his bitter evil older brother Facey. Not recommended for people over the age of, or with an IQ greater than, 12.
The Glorious Super Magnificent Outstanding Incredible Splendid Inconceivable Fabulous Ultra Hulk: Electric Boogaloo
The Hulk franchise's 4792nd entry into the ring of popular and critical appeal is sure to cause some disagreements at the supper table. It opened to huge box office sales, as every edition has going back to time unmemorable, but has been thoroughly trounced by critics as being "exactly the same as the other 4791 Hulk holovids."
I guess when you have a license to copy/paste credits, you don't mess with it.
Unfortunately, this formula always seems to involve screen writers and directors who are incapable of making a movie that doesn't suck out loud. If you enjoyed the other 290,000 hours of Hulk, then four more probably won't hurt you; if you didn't, then I'd recommend flossing between your ears with laser floss before I'd suggest you sit down in front of this Big Green Machine.
Chan.JENI
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